If you surf the internet, it's hard not to be assaulted by commercials for Dermitage where a waxy-looking young face is next to a withered old hag. I have to hand it Dermitage though, they have managed to out-bullshit Dermapril SP and IQ Derma.

Dermitage is probably backed by an insomniac attorney. Everything about this product line has been trademarked, registered and patented. The secret sauce in Dermitage is the trademarked Rejuvaline. This is glucasamine complex (trade-marked UGL), Lifting Spheres (patented), Inflacin (registered), botanical antioxidants, Qusomes (patented). There is even "aloe Vera extract and other patented ingredients [that] soothe your skin and help reduce the appearance of redness and swelling." If they could have patented aloe vera, they surely would have.

Should you be wondering: "Patented Lifting Spheres settle beneath your wrinkles to capture the moisture that would normally escape from your skin. These spheres gently swell and lift from underneath to smooth out fine lines and wrinkles." While Qusomes are made by a nanotechnology company and "are non-phospholipid liposomes, spontaneously formed when water is added".

Less imaginative is the copy-cat free trial, which just like Dermapril's isn't free at all. You'll pay $5.95 in shipping and processing. You will have 14 days to try the Dermitàge Anti–Aging System and if you want to cancel you'll have to call them up and return the bottle. If you don't you'll be charged $69.95 for what you have consumed and the same amount every month for what you are about to.

For the gullible who are petrified of being unable to suppress their inner withered hag by any other means, I shall outline what you'll be getting for 70 bucks a month. Let's take Dermitage Instant Lifting Creme. There is more silicone in this (five different types) than in Pamela's Anderson's bosom. I have a feeling that moisture retaining hyaluronic acid may approximate for the 'Lifting Spheres'.

Equally un-hi tech are the grape seed, teas, algae, yeast and aloe. There is nothing wrong with these perfectly good anti-oxidants, but you'll find them in just about any potion these days. And that's it. Apart from a few emollients and potential irritants that include a couple of PEGs, 1-2 hexanediol and the antibacterial tropolone.

I also checked out Dermitage Skin Renewal Complex. This is where the trade-marked UGL comes in. It is glucosamine HCI, a fairly common amino acid found in shellfish (and, indeed, many other cosmetic brands).

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Ingredients in Dermitage Instant Lifting Creme

Water, PEG–12 Glyceryl Distearate, Cetyl Alcohol, Caprylic Capric Triglyceride, Dimethicone, Pentaerythrityl Tetraisostearate, Glycerin, Cyclomethicone, PEG–23 Glyceryl Distearate, Hyaluronic Acid, Camellia oleifera (Green Tea) Leaf Extract, Camellia sinensis (White Tea) Leaf Extract, Vitis vinifera (Grape) Seed Extract, Aloe barbadensis (Aloe Vera) Leaf Extract, Laminaria digitata (Algae) Extract, Saccharomyces cerevisiae (Yeast) Extract, Glucosamine HCl, Urea, Cyclopentasiloxane, Silica Dimethyl Silylate, PEG–100 Stearate, Butylene Glycol, Acacia Senegal Gum, Dimethicone/Vinyl Dimethicone Crosspolymer, Dimethicone, PEG–10 / 15 Crosspolymer, Ammonium Acryloyldimethyltaurate/VP Copolymer, 1,2–Hexanediol, Caprylyl Glycol, Tropolone.

Ingredients in Dermitage Skin Renewal Complex

Water, PEG–12 Glyceryl Distearate, Cyclopentasiloxane, PEG–100 Stearate, Cetyl Alcohol, Caprylyl Methicone, Cyclomethicone, Hydrogenated Coco Glycerides, Ammonium Acryloyldimethyltaurate/VP Copolymer, Hyaluronic Acid, Pentaerythrityl Tetraisostearate, Camellia oleifera (Green Tea) Leaf Extract, Vitis vinifera (Grape) Seed Extract, Camellia sinensis (White Tea) Leaf Extract, Laminaria digitata (Algae) Extract, Saccharomyces cerevisiae (Yeast) Extract, Tocopheryl Acetate, PEG–23 Glyceryl Distearate, Glucosamine HCl, Sodium Chondroitin Sulfate, Urea, Glycerin, Butylene Glycol, Dimethicone/Vinyl Dimethicone Crosspolymer, Silica Dimethyl Silylate, Atelocollagen, 1,2–Hexanediol, Caprylyl Glycol.