I once lived in a house with a bidet (installed by the previous owner). It remained unused (a daily shower is good enough for me) until I realized it was a useful receptacle for soaking one's smalls in. Equally, pointless, I suspect, is a product called Sweetspot Bidet in a Bottle ($19).

Most perplexing is that I discovered it a magazine called Day Spa. Who on earth goes to a spa to clean their bum with some special product? Perhaps because this is no simple wipe-and-go routine. Bidet in a Bottle comes with very specific instructions. After putting water in the bottle provided and adding the in the packet of Intimate Waters (honestly), you should:

"Turn the bottle upside-down. Push disk cap down. While standing in the shower, or sitting on the toilet, direct the nozzle towards your sweet spot and firmly squeeze entire contents of bottle over your external
intimate area. Voilà-a pH balanced, soothing liquid luxury to cleanse, calm and collect your sweetness. Thoroughly rinse bidet-in-a-bottle and cap after each use

Intimate Waters is a surprisingly complex concoction of 27 ingredients. These include cucumber fruit extract, oat kernal, witch hazel, liquorice, an amino alcohol, amino acid and poloxamer 407, a surfactant that, according to a University of Pensylvania study, causes high cholesterol. It also has chlorphenesin, a preservative that can cause damage to the central nervous system. Not that would be a bummer.