It is a rarely broached but unfortunately common human dilemma. Whether your neighborly co-worker forgets to pop a mint after his morning coffee or your loving family member leans in for a kiss not long enough after a tuna fish lunch, bad breath strikes even the nicest people, through no fault of their own. The same goes for well-intentioned cosmetics that have your skin's best interests in mind, managing to be perfectly innocuous everywhere...except inside your nose.

Such has been my experience with Organic Apoteke Luxurethic Cosmeceuticals. As much as I like the gist of the product range, I just can't get past its strangely rancid odor and unappealing texture. Call me superficial or insincere, but appearances do matter...or else we wouldn't be so preoccupied with skincare. And so, as is recommended for any relationship fraught with potential confrontation, I have composed a letter to Organic Apoteke that puts my unfettered feelings into honest words.

Dear Organic Apoteke,

When we first met in the organic cosmetics boutique on the ground floor of Macy's, I was very curious. Why hadn't I heard your all-organic British brand name before? You wooed me with all the right words ("effective," "luxurious," "pure") and you looked great on paper, with an impressive background of ten years of research to get to where you are now. Uniting modern science and ancient healing arts, you promised to give me younger-looking, more radiant skin.

Contrary to my track record with former flames, I wasn't scared off by nasty preservatives or petrochemicals that might do damage to me both inside and out. Instead, I found sodium benzoate (derived from organic plums), potassium sorbate (from organic banana peels), grapefruit seed extract (from organic grapefruits), and sodium dehydroacetate (an organic salt). Lesser formulas would do well by imitating your commendably safe food-grade preservative system.

Not only do you get bragging rights for drawing on organic botanicals and naturally occurring minerals, but you also boast a proprietary pentapeptide complex made from fruit and vegetable sources. This natural complex consists of all of the amino acids that make up collagen and elastin fibers, loosely bound and easily broken down. Under your persuasive power to restore collagen and elastin, I anticipated enhanced skin tone, smoother texture, and less wrinkles.

Embarrassing as it may sound, you made me blush our first few times together. After my first experience with the Rejuvenating Eye and Face Cream, I felt a warm tingling sensation lasting around fifteen minutes. This is in fact a perfectly normal "Beauty Blush," as you like to call it. From what I understand about the formulas in the Rejuvenating line, your active ingredients combined with your patented Nutrient Delivery System stimulate circulation, increasing the delivery of nutrients and oxygen to skin cells. However, as I've gotten to know you better, these feelings have abated. The absence of a tangible response makes me wonder whether the actives are continuing to penetrate to the deeper layers of my skin and make it appear healthier.

You've lost that lovin' feelin', Organic Apoteke. You've also lost points in a few other categories as well. The Buttermilk Cleanser is a bit too "luxurious" for my taste. Though it is pleasantly mild and moisturizing, it leaves behind a film that makes my face feel unclean. Presumably this cleanser should be used in conjunction with the Rejuvenating Face Cream, which is far too lightweight to sufficiently hydrate dry skin on its own. Nonetheless, due to its high concentration of organic oils, the cream made my face greasy and gleaming. As much as I would like to blame hormones, could it really be a coincidence that my cheeks broke out a week into my affair with Organic Apoteke?

And what on earth is that noxious fragrance? I don't know what supposedly natural sources you've been frequenting, Organic Apoteke, but your odor is unanimously unpleasant. Each of my friends recoiled at your musky smell, though none could pin down a precise description. All the products I tried smack of the same aromatic notes, but the biggest offender of all is the Rejuvenating Eye Cream. Having more of a gel-like consistency than a cream, this clear emulsion appears to contain whipped pulp. After dabbing it under my eyes with my finger, I couldn't stop myself from repeatedly lifting the tainted digit to my nose to get a nauseating whiff (sort of like driving by the scene of an accident really slowly and gawking at whatever grisly horror awaits).

So, Organic Apoteke, although we've had a nice time together, I don't think it's going to work out. Even before I've had a chance to pass judgment, my nose knows when I am not going to be compatible- call it chemistry. I can't honestly see myself staying loyal in the long-term when the mere smell of you makes me retch. I would even consider giving you a second chance, if I had seen some age-reversing wonders. But don't get me wrong- you are a real catch, and there are plenty of other fishes in the sea who will get along with you swimmingly. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm just not that into you.

Yours Truly,

Copley

 

Ingredients in Buttermilk Cleaser:

Rosa damascena distillate*, Helianthus annuus seed oil*, Glycine soja oil*, Cocos nucifera oil*, Wash base* (Aqua, Potassium cocoate**, Potassium oleate**, Lauryl betaine, Glycerin (vegetable)***, Potassium palm kernalate**, Palm kernal acid**, Decyl glucoside***, Potassium citrate), Prunus amygdalus dulcis oil*, Cera alba*, Rosa damascena oil*, Butyrospermum parkii butter*, Glycerin (vegetable)**, Sodium chloride, Citrus paradisi seed extract*, Cymbopogon martinii oil*, Xanthan gum**, Cananga odorata oil*, Lac powder*, Potassium sorbate**, Sodium benzoate**, Sodium dehydroacetate, Sorbic acid**. * Certified organic ** Derived from organic botanicals *** Organic source


Ingredients in Rejuvenating Eye Cream:


Rosa damascena distillate*, Helianthus annuus seed oil*, Cocos nucifera oil*, Glycine soja oil*, Prunus amygdalus dulcis oil*, Cera alba*, Glycerin (vegetable)**, Butyrospermum parkii butter*, Rosa damascena oil*, Citrus paradisi seed extract*, Euphrasia officinalis extract*, Vaccinium myrtillus extract*, Xanthan gum**, Potassium sorbate**, Sodium benzoate**, Sodium dehydroacetate, Sorbic acid**, Citric acid**, Cymbopogon martinii oil*, Daucus carota oil*, Palmitoyl oilgopeptide**, Triticum vulgare germ oil*, Cananga odorata oil* . * Certified organic ** Derived from organic botanicals.


Ingredients in Rejuvenating Face Cream:


Rosa damascena distillate*, Helianthus annuus seed oil*, Cocos nucifera oil*, Glycine soja oil*, Prunus amygdalus dulcis oil*, Cera alba*, Rosa damascena oil*, Butyrospermum parkii butter*, Citrus paradisi seed extract*, Glycerin (vegetable)**, Xanthan gum**, Palmitoyl oilgopeptide**, Potassium sorbate**, Sodium benzoate**, Sodium dehydroacetate, Sorbic acid**, Citric acid, Cymbopogon martinii oil*, Daucus carota oil*, Triticum vulgare germ oil*, Cananga odorata oil*. * Certified organic ** Derived from organic botanicals